Reflection: why 2014 was both the best and the worst year of my life

It's that time of year again, amongst the Christmas rush, parties and wrapping the presents you hope your family will like, we all take time to reflect on the months gone by. I often get quite sentimental toward the end of each year and I really take a step back so that I don't forget all the things I've achieved over the twelve months.

Now, I'm not writing this to get your sympathy, for the "I'm sorry to hear that"'s or the reassuring pat on the back. But, without doubt, 2014 has been one of, if not THE worst year of my life. Here's why. 

It didn't start all too well. In February I went in for a routine operation, to simply clean and fix the wound left from previous surgery. When I came to however, I was told they had discovered an abcess the size of a grapefruit inside me and had I not come into hospital that day and it had ruptured at home, I would be dead. I was in hospital for four days and then spent seven months having daily nurse visits to treat and dress the open wound. To which I am infact still healing from now. Yes, it could be worse, I could have in fact died and I am ever so thankful that I am alive, and to the medical team who treated me. But those seven months were hell. 

A month after my surgery I was fired from my retail job (as much as they gave a number of excuses, it was actually because I was sick). A week later I was let go from a paid writing role at a music website. I lost all form of income and have had to rely on benefits ever since. A fact I'm not exactly proud of. 

I attempted love, twice actually. But it never even got to that point, not even close. Amidst a mess of fear and games, my favourite being 'the disappearing act', I was left feeling low and like I wasn't good enough. Something no person should feel because of another's actions, but alas it happened. We move on, we learn but we always remain a little bruised. For the love of God, we all need to stop being afraid of our feelings and learn to talk. 

The biggest bug of them all, the devil in my brain and the destroyer of souls has been my career. Obviously for health reasons I had to put a lot on hold for a while, but if it's one thing I've learnt about the music industry, it waits for no (wo)man and there's always someone round the corner who can take your dream. 

I've been on Job Seekers for four months now, with a recent transition onto the New Enterprise Allowance. I enter that hell hole every week and prove to them how many industry jobs I've applied for and explain how I refuse to settle for a job at a supermarket, while I watch a person next to me receive their benefits despite not making a single effort to job search. I have just over £100 to live off for two weeks and I spend every single dime on travelling for my work, to and fro London covering shows and interviewing bands for each of the websites that can't pay me. I work my absolute arse off to establish a name for myself and thankfully it has been paying off, not financially, but certainly in terms of respect. 

Please, do not find me ungrateful for the experiences. In terms of what I've been given the opportunity to do, it couldn't have been a better year. I covered some of the UKs best music festivals, attended intimate, one-off performances and got to meet and interview my musical heroes. All things I never thought I would have achieved a few years ago and I'm incredibly proud of a lot of the work I have done. 

But my god the loneliness, the long hours and the fact I cannot financially support myself has left my confidence in tatters. With each job rejection email I try and smile, carry on and hope for the next one, which never comes. I am constantly left feeling unworthy and as if I am not good enough, which has brought me so close to giving up. I can't though, I'm not good at anything else. I've perfected the brave face, continued on with my head held high because deep down I know something will happen eventually, but it truly is the toughest period of my life I've ever had to tackle. 

And if there's one sentence, which I've heard countless times this year and although is said lightheartedly it still does my head in - "It could be worse". Yes, I agree, it could be so much worse. I am alive and I have support from my parents and a home to live in and I am thankful for that. So thankful. But honestly, no four words could make me feel worse, as if I am not allowed to feel glum. Let me drown in my own sorrow goddammit. 

I don't wish for this to be all misery, though. I refuse to end this on a gloomy note, so I will say this: 

Despite everything, despite the crushing confidence and emotional roller coasters I've found myself on, this year has also been the year I've met some of the most incredible people. I've gained a huge number of friends this year and gotten closer to a select few, who are the real reason I've kept smiling through everything. If it wasn't for the people that allowed me to just come and sit with a cup of tea in hand, for those who have complimented my work or even just passed on messages of well being, it's thanks to you that I've continued to push on. So I thank you, all of you that have at some point this year been involved in my life, you've no idea how much you've truly helped me and I will be eternally grateful. 

Here's to 2015.  

You're nobody 'til somebody loves you

Ever since the demise of my last relationship I always knew I was going to struggle to trust someone again. At least, trust them enough to actually consider fully committing to a relationship. What I didn't expect, was to end up being given an eye-opener into just how little you can trust people, or rather, men.

My love life hasn't exactly been something to get excited about recently, it's been months since I even kissed someone and living back with your parents, as I'm sure many of you will know, makes romance a pretty difficult subject.

This isn't to say I've completely alienated all men from my life, I keep in contact, I chat, I flirt a little. Harmless, most of it and nothing that is really expected to be taken any further. However something that seems to be a reoccurring issue, is that I am then discovering that while they are telling me they wouldn't mind cuddling up to me, taking me to dinner or something more, at the end of the day they are in fact, crawling into bed with their girlfriends.

It's not that this has happened once either, I'm nearly able to move onto my second hand to count how many have been doing this.

Luckily I've learnt not to wear my heart on my sleeve, and keep people at arm's length, so emotionally it hasn't effected me. But it has left me with the question - how am I ever meant to trust a guy again if all I am experiencing is them flirting with other girls when they're in relationships?

I don't want to be this ice queen forever, I'd like to find someone I am compatible with. But, quite frankly this experience is only making me want to close myself off further, because once you open up you become vulnerable and it would appear that, that's when people start taking you for granted.

And remember, you will always get found out, always.

Go on, I dare you

For those that know me, I can be quite an outgoing and confident person. As long as I feel comfortable around a person I'm pretty much an open book. Yet when it comes to striking up a conversation with a complete stranger I may as well be invisible, because I can barely look them in the eye, let alone talk without stumbling on my words. Working in retail helped me out a little, but still, simply going up to someone to tell them the latest offer would be a difficult task for me.

It's because of this awkward shyness that I struggle to network amongst people, even if it IS important to my career and don't even get me started on trying to say hello to aesthetically pleasing male specimens.

Here's an example; not long ago I went into my local HMV to purchase something for Fathers Day. As I made my way to the till, I was greeted by a fuzzy faced gentleman with glorious arms and an even nicer personality. As I mumbled a "thank you" I left the store probably looking like I was having a severe hot flush and headed straight to Twitter to let the world know of the wonderful man I had just laid my eyes on.

I was then hit with replies such as, "so why didn't you tell him?", "go and ask him out, I dare you!" "What's the worst that could happen?"

I COULD BE HUMILIATED IN MY FAVOURITE STORE AND RUN OUT CRYING WITH TEARS OF SHAME DOWN MY FACE, THAT'S WHAT.

So I continued my life without lovely HMV man but with my dignity a little more intact, all because I didn't have the balls to just say "hello, how are you?"

It's the same with 'networking', to get where I want to be in the industry I want to work in, I am going to have to introduce myself to A LOT of important people, and make a good impression. The thought of this however, absolutely terrifies me, the fear of all the awkward rejections is too much for me to even start whimpering my name at some big label boss.

My question is HOW do I get over this? Is it just a matter of me manning up and getting the guts to march over and make myself known? Will I ever be able to speak to an attractive guy in a shop without looking at my shoes the whole time?

Or am I just going to die alone because I was too scared.

Top 10 Best Things About Being Single

1. Your bed is yours and you do what you want in it. (Fart, work, eat, spill crumbs, starfish, dribble... do your WORST)

2. Granny pants? Check. Top knot? Check. Band tshirt with a million holes and stains? Check. Fucks given? None.

3. "Ooooooh, look at him! And him! And him over there! Oh my GOD look at HIM" *drools*

4. You can go out when you want, with who you want and spend ALL your money on yourself!

5. You don't have to have a forced conversation about just how boring each others days were and what you want for dinner.

6. All those horrific feelings of worry and jealousy are replaced by content and self-appreciation.

7. No having to sit and watch Call of Duty for the millionth time.

8. Watching Made In Chelsea for the millionth time.

9. You've listened to that One Direction song ten times today already? Go on, play it another five.

10. Want to travel? Dream of moving to the city? Job offer you can't refuse? There's nothing holding you back. GO YOU!

One negative of being single?

No sex cuddles on tap. 

"I'd rather be a bit squishy then spending 5 days a week at a gym"

I've been a size 12 since I was around 16, gaining and losing a few pounds here and there, but always a size 12. I've got a bit of an odd body shape, imagine getting a ball of dough and squashing it with the palm of your hand, that's me. I'm wide, I have big hips, bum and thighs, but I am flat. I don't have much of a tummy and my boobs are of average size, a nice handful.

I've tried diets over the years, I've tried getting into running - but I'm not someone to continue something they don't enjoy. I don't enjoy running, or other athletic sports for that matter, I can't even afford a gym membership. What I do enjoy is swimming and surfing, rock climbing and roller blading, adventurous sports. Not the most accessible of sports at the best of times.

I also like food, I love tasting new flavours and trying new things. This isn't to say you'll find me devouring a whole pot of ice cream in one go or binging on burgers. I know what's good and bad for me, I know what my portion sizes should be, do I indulge every now and then? Of course I do, who doesn't? My weakness is biscuits, I bloody love those things!

But still most days, I find myself looking in the mirror going, "why can't this bit be smaller?"... "why do my hips have to be so round?"... "why can't I look like her, or her?"... "how is anyone going to fall for me if my thighs are this big?"

I've not exactly been lacking in male attention over the past year or so, I've had compliments about the parts of me I hate the most. Yet I still can't knock these hatred thoughts from my head, please do not get this wrong, I'm not throwing a line into the sea awaiting you all to compliment the shit out of me. It's just been one of those days where I can't look at any part of me and think it looks good. It also doesn't help that I have a magazine next to me with Alexa stick thin Chung on the front cover.

But why? Why do I and so many others do this too ourselves? I tell myself frequently that I should shed the flabby bits, but then I'm split in thinking I'm going to be bloody miserable while I do it and will I really be happy by the end of it?

I have friends who are squishy and I have friends who are tiny, all of whom seem happy with themselves. I guess I just need some tips in having a body boost, any ideas?

I'm now going to go open that packet of hobnobs and bloody enjoy them.

The problem with needing adventure.

I am not a patient person. If I get an idea in my head I do it, when I wanted dip dye hair two years ago I just went into the hairdressers and got it done. I fancied an undercut, so I grabbed my dad's clippers. I hated my last job, so I quit it, even though I was moving into a new flat and didn't even know if I'd make the first months rent. I get bored very quickly and I change my mind often, I've had more dream careers in the past few years than I ever thought possible.

I like adventure, I grew up by the sea amongst the fields and spent my childhood exploring and just taking in the outdoors and everything it holds. I now find comfort in going on long walks through forests, strapping my surfboard to the top of my car and heading to the ocean. I enjoy long drives, (even though I have panic attacks if I get the slightest bit lost), but I like knowing I have 3 hours of road and the best mixtape to soundtrack my journey, wherever I may be going.

But right now? Right now I'm stuck. My car needs fixing (okay it's my fault for not yet booking it in to the garage), so I can't travel anywhere. Even if it was working a-okay I have no money for petrol, my last pay packet has just about covered me in terms of rent, bills and food. I haven't seen anyone new in far too long, don't get me wrong, I love the guys I work with and I bloody love my flatmates but my life has been a circle of seeing them all, just on varying days. I haven't had an adventure, as such in a long, long time. Rewind a few months ago and I was here there and everywhere, my own personal tour of the UK. Cardiff, Bath, Cheltenham, London, Brighton... and I was happy, I was so happy.

I haven't been to see my friends in Cardiff since November, I've had a few quick visits to london to catch up with people and a brief visit to Essex for a night out. But they are at least a month ago now. OKAY that doesn't sound that long ago, but like I said, I'm inpatient. When I feel like this, when I feel alone, all I want to do is get in my car and drive, drive anywhere, just out of this dead end city, see the people I adore and forget about all the worries I have. Don't we all just need to escape sometimes?

The thing is, I don't know when I will be able to escape. I don't know when I'll stop feeling like this. I have no motivation to apply for any jobs because I get rejected from so many and I feel out of the loop in regards to music, when in reality I'm probably a hell of a lot more in the loop than a lot of people I know. I'm trying to drag myself out of this hell of self-pity and sort myself out, but it feels like the little devil of life keeps pulling me back. Throwing more things my way so I don't leave.

I just want to see some different faces. I just want adventure.

Why this week sucks...

I'm not usually one to be overly pessimistic about everything, but sometimes it's like there is someone throwing snowballs of shit at your life because they think it is really funny, when actually it's the absolute worst. Surely there is some good news coming my way real soon? Right?

Reasons why this week sucks: 

- Two bands split up. I Dream In Colour and Harbour. Most of you reading this will go who? They were small, they were unsigned, but they had something. I've been pushing and supporting these guys for months and months and what they had was exciting. I understand the reasons behind both the splits, but it's a shame and it sucks.

- As many of you will know, Paramore decided to put on a intimate show at The Garage in London. Tickets went on sale this morning, they sold out in two minutes. I didn't get any. Ballsacks.

- Due to the lack of customers and no holiday to be covered, my pay packet this month is minuscule and I am very fed up of being poor.

- Feeling so deflated after so many job rejections you just can't even see the point anymore.

- Exceedingly good looking guys keep adding/following me on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram - they are all in relationships. What a tease.

- I have the whole weekend off work for the first time in forever but no real funds to go anywhere or do anything.

- The Cornish Council are threatening the safety of beach goers at Polzeath. I've surfed there for years and may now have to relocate because of their idiocy, read more why here

Reasons why this week doesn't suck:

- I did get a ticket to see Ben Howard in June, which is obviously when he'll realise we're meant to be together and all this fuss over being single will be no more.

Oh Ben....

The Dating Game

*

First things first, I've never been on a date. Ever.

A date to me is meeting someone new, having a brief conversation and then getting the surprise of "Hey, would you like to go for dinner/some drinks one time?" to get to know each other a bit better. I can safely say this has never happened to me, I'm not really sure if it's a good or a bad thing. I'd quite like to be wined and dined, it just seems to be less of a frequent thing these days.

Thing is, I just don't have time to go out places and meet new people at the moment. My life is spent walking to and from work and sat behind my laptop in the evenings working on some sort of career. I can rarely afford to go out and this on going winter isn't exactly making me want to leave the comforts of my duvet.

Yesterday, St Patricks Day, I get a phonecall from my flatmate saying us three girls were going to go have a few drinks and let our hair down a bit; I slip on a dress and some boots and add some oomph into my hair before heading out with £20 and a smile on my face. After one or three cocktails we were a bit giggly and having a laugh at my singledom and how much of a bitch that mother nature is, how I'd never been taken for dinner and it'd been too long since I'd had any form of attention.

Forward on to a horribly cheesy bar, downing shots so we could endure the karaoke that was killing our ear drums, I wait inside while they smoke and suddenly I'm approached by a scouser in an addidas combo, (may I add with the TINIEST hands). I kept my answers short and sweet, he asked if I only like guys who work in music, told me I should take a chance on someone else, because it might be worth the risk if they can make me happy. I came up with some bullshit on not being a girl to take risks or go on dates and made a swift exit. Thank god I'm not Pinnochio!

The last bar of the evening held more promise, live music, a DJ and all the rum we wanted. With a quick gaze around, both mine and my flatmates eyes widen at some of the facially gifted men we spot. The next thing I know she's squeezing me into a tiny sofa next to a group of guys, amazingly we all start chatting and have a bit of a laugh (while I stare adoringly at their faces), before they say their goodbyes and tell us to come back next week to see their band play.

Eventually we leave and happily skip back to our flat, with me feeling slightly uplifted over the fact I had managed to converse with the opposite sex and not scare any off. That's until I find one of them on the book of faces and discover he has a girlfriend, his friend who was of equal attraction..... two years younger than me.

Le sigh....

So I pulled my duvet over my face and went off to dream about other lovely things where men have no hidden catches and hands are of normal sizes.


*Potentially the best date idea ever.

The wrong end of the stick.

In this modern age of communication, it's becoming increasingly difficult to not be able to contact someone, I am one of those who have completely suckered in to social media and I'm rarely seen without my phone, whether I'm texting, tweeting or replying to emails.

I'm a friendly person, or at least I like to think so. I give everyone a chance, I am a conversationalist and I like to meet new people and make new friends. I reply to almost every tweet I get, whether I know them or not and through all the various ways of communication I've met some great people. With the industry I am trying to break into, it's very important to make contacts and build professional friendships around your work. My phone is full of PR and Tour Managers numbers and I like to think I am polite and easy to speak to.

It's very likely, that if we begin a conversation, whether in person or over twitter and find we have things in common be it work or hobbies and if I feel comfortable chatting then I will hand over my digits. Because, well it's much easier to text than constantly drain my battery checking social media sites, extra bonus points if you own an iPhone as we can message for free!

What I have noticed, though, is how guys perceive texting and general communication. It tends to go one of two ways; the first - texting daily will be an occurrence over a couple weeks, maybe longer, general chit-chat about what we've been up to, life and jobs. The usual. Jokes will be passed here and there and generally, conversation flows easily, (unless you have hideous grammar skills in which case you'll make it difficult for me to want to talk to you!) Then, all of a sudden, you get nothing, zero, as if you were never talking in the first place.
From personal experience it seems that once you've started chatting to someone of the opposite sex, somewhere along the line an alarm goes off in the other persons head screaming, "OH GOD SHE THINKS I'M FLIRTING WITH HER, WHAT DO I DO? I KNOW JUST STOP TALKING."

If this is you, stop that, right now.

I am not sat attached to my phone awaiting every message you send, I'm probably texting about four other people at the same time as you, whilst having a cup of tea and replying to the days emails. I am not clinging to my knickers waiting for you to give the greenlight to pounce.

The other way things can go, is the complete opposite. Guys will think I AM keen and then have a hissy fit when I don't reply after a few hours, or if I simply forget (which I do quite a lot), some of us don't get signal at work y'know. Patience my friend, I'll get back to you eventually. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood for exercising my thumbs and fancy a quiet lie down without the bleep of my phone disturbing me every five minutes.

What I'm trying to say here, fellas, is to stop automatically thinking I fancy the pants off you if I start messaging you. This isn't to say I don't find you attractive, I might do, but I'm more interested in making new friends than making you fall in love with me.

Just stop panicking and jumping to conclusions, because you've probably got the complete wrong end of the stick. I'm just being nice, it's what I do, I like to ask people if they've had a good day, cheer someone up if they need it. I am not deciphering every message you send and neither should you be.

Maybe we should all start writing letters again, that was fun wasn't it?