You're nobody 'til somebody loves you

Ever since the demise of my last relationship I always knew I was going to struggle to trust someone again. At least, trust them enough to actually consider fully committing to a relationship. What I didn't expect, was to end up being given an eye-opener into just how little you can trust people, or rather, men.

My love life hasn't exactly been something to get excited about recently, it's been months since I even kissed someone and living back with your parents, as I'm sure many of you will know, makes romance a pretty difficult subject.

This isn't to say I've completely alienated all men from my life, I keep in contact, I chat, I flirt a little. Harmless, most of it and nothing that is really expected to be taken any further. However something that seems to be a reoccurring issue, is that I am then discovering that while they are telling me they wouldn't mind cuddling up to me, taking me to dinner or something more, at the end of the day they are in fact, crawling into bed with their girlfriends.

It's not that this has happened once either, I'm nearly able to move onto my second hand to count how many have been doing this.

Luckily I've learnt not to wear my heart on my sleeve, and keep people at arm's length, so emotionally it hasn't effected me. But it has left me with the question - how am I ever meant to trust a guy again if all I am experiencing is them flirting with other girls when they're in relationships?

I don't want to be this ice queen forever, I'd like to find someone I am compatible with. But, quite frankly this experience is only making me want to close myself off further, because once you open up you become vulnerable and it would appear that, that's when people start taking you for granted.

And remember, you will always get found out, always.

The Dating Game

*

First things first, I've never been on a date. Ever.

A date to me is meeting someone new, having a brief conversation and then getting the surprise of "Hey, would you like to go for dinner/some drinks one time?" to get to know each other a bit better. I can safely say this has never happened to me, I'm not really sure if it's a good or a bad thing. I'd quite like to be wined and dined, it just seems to be less of a frequent thing these days.

Thing is, I just don't have time to go out places and meet new people at the moment. My life is spent walking to and from work and sat behind my laptop in the evenings working on some sort of career. I can rarely afford to go out and this on going winter isn't exactly making me want to leave the comforts of my duvet.

Yesterday, St Patricks Day, I get a phonecall from my flatmate saying us three girls were going to go have a few drinks and let our hair down a bit; I slip on a dress and some boots and add some oomph into my hair before heading out with £20 and a smile on my face. After one or three cocktails we were a bit giggly and having a laugh at my singledom and how much of a bitch that mother nature is, how I'd never been taken for dinner and it'd been too long since I'd had any form of attention.

Forward on to a horribly cheesy bar, downing shots so we could endure the karaoke that was killing our ear drums, I wait inside while they smoke and suddenly I'm approached by a scouser in an addidas combo, (may I add with the TINIEST hands). I kept my answers short and sweet, he asked if I only like guys who work in music, told me I should take a chance on someone else, because it might be worth the risk if they can make me happy. I came up with some bullshit on not being a girl to take risks or go on dates and made a swift exit. Thank god I'm not Pinnochio!

The last bar of the evening held more promise, live music, a DJ and all the rum we wanted. With a quick gaze around, both mine and my flatmates eyes widen at some of the facially gifted men we spot. The next thing I know she's squeezing me into a tiny sofa next to a group of guys, amazingly we all start chatting and have a bit of a laugh (while I stare adoringly at their faces), before they say their goodbyes and tell us to come back next week to see their band play.

Eventually we leave and happily skip back to our flat, with me feeling slightly uplifted over the fact I had managed to converse with the opposite sex and not scare any off. That's until I find one of them on the book of faces and discover he has a girlfriend, his friend who was of equal attraction..... two years younger than me.

Le sigh....

So I pulled my duvet over my face and went off to dream about other lovely things where men have no hidden catches and hands are of normal sizes.


*Potentially the best date idea ever.

"You're too fussy"

Since the demise of my last relationship, I've 'tested' different types of men. I'd had a type for so long, so surely now, in my new lease of singledom, was the time to see just what sort of fish were swimming about in the sea.

There was the blonde co-worker (I prefer dark hair), the posh boy who wore nothing but Jack Wills, the one's that smoked & the one's that were clean shaven. None of whom made it further than a bit of a fumble. The closest I got was the guy who resembled Ryan Gosling and saved lives for a living, (no seriously, he was a paramedic), sounds like a dream right? No. After a few months he started getting feelings and I ran away screaming like I did when I was three and thought a bear was running at me from the woods.... It turned out to be my godfather in a costume, but that's not the point.

That's not saying any of these particular suiters were interested in more, a few had suggested we 'make things work' but I'd always find something I disliked about them to prove why we wouldn't be good together. Scaredy cat? Me? NEVER.

After discussing each man in turn with my flatmates and listing off all the reasons why they are wrong for me, I am often greeted with the response, "you're just too fussy".

Am I? Is it wrong for me to be fussy? After having my heart shrivel up into nothing, I told myself to not open it back up to anyone unless I really thought they were worth the risk. So, obviously, with this in mind I formed a mental list of the features my ideal man would have:

Non-smoker, no dodgy accents (Welsh & West Country are acceptable), facial hair, brown hair, has a job, can drive, enjoys the countryside and the sea, enjoys music in all aspects, taller than me, a few years older and who can deal with the amount of time I spend behind my laptop working. *

Is that too fussy? I've stumbled across guys that fit a few of these desires, but fall short at others (pun possibly intended).

Am I wrong for kissing a few frogs in the hope I'll find a dashing prince some day? I don't want to settle for just any old fella who might make me happy. I want to feel that tingly feeling in my tummy when I know it's right. I just haven't had that yet.

If you fit any of the above features, please contact me, asap.


*unless you're Ben Howard then none of these apply.