Working for free, is it worth it?

There's a lot of controversy surrounding internships right now, they appear to be the only way in hell to actually try and gain some experience in your desired field, and the slight glimmer of hope for a job at the end of it has got many typing as fast as their little fingers will go, sending application forms off left right and center.

Will they ever hear anything back? Probably not.

I'm at a weird stage in my life, not one I'm particularly proud of, not one I wish to be in. But I'm here out of lack of options. I'm 22, single, unemployed and living with my parents. Why? Because I thought it'd be a super ace idea to work in the music industry.

I've wanted to work in music since I was young and after discovering I'm absolutely shite at singing/playing an instrument I realised working behind the scenes was a much better option. I graduated in 2012 with a 2:1 degree in Television and Broadcasting but music is where my heart lies and where it will lie for a long time.

I produce and present my own radio show. Unpaid. I am on the editorial team for a music website and donate my words to other websites on occasion, all unpaid.

I've also just finished a month-long internship at a fantastic music website in the hipster village of Shoreditch. Unpaid. Okay slight lie, they DID pay my travel fares from zones 1-4. I cannot fault the people I worked with, the work I got to do or my time spent there, because it really was an insightful and enjoyable experience. But underneath all the " OH MY GOD That's sooooo cool!" remarks I got, I was living off leftovers for dinner and sleeping on my mates floor whilst I sipped water at gigs because I couldn't afford a pint. But hey, it looks great on my CV right?

And here I am, back at my desk in my bedroom staring blankly at job websites hoping to god something jumps out, or I receive an email saying "We'd LOVE to have you work with us, here have ALL the money we have because you're just so great." And when you have huge music companies stating you MUST have a Grade A in Maths GCSE as well as 5 years experience and a pet giraffe just to even qualify for this 3-month unpaid tea slave job, how am I exactly meant to feel inspired to apply?

The internship I did happened by chance, after a quick meeting one weekend and I was very lucky that happened. But now, now I don't even know where to begin looking for work. The reality, is that I'm going to have to get a Christmas Temp job in a store somewhere, to save money so I can actually afford to do another unpaid internship.

I know I am just one of thousands in a similar situation, but it's hardly surprising to find that so many young people are depressed due to the lack of faith and goodwill within the creative industries. I just feel like I'm in a vicious whirlpool of unpaid work and there is absolutely no shining light as to when I'll get paid to work in an industry I love.

If anything, I'm really good at making tea now.

Go on, I dare you

For those that know me, I can be quite an outgoing and confident person. As long as I feel comfortable around a person I'm pretty much an open book. Yet when it comes to striking up a conversation with a complete stranger I may as well be invisible, because I can barely look them in the eye, let alone talk without stumbling on my words. Working in retail helped me out a little, but still, simply going up to someone to tell them the latest offer would be a difficult task for me.

It's because of this awkward shyness that I struggle to network amongst people, even if it IS important to my career and don't even get me started on trying to say hello to aesthetically pleasing male specimens.

Here's an example; not long ago I went into my local HMV to purchase something for Fathers Day. As I made my way to the till, I was greeted by a fuzzy faced gentleman with glorious arms and an even nicer personality. As I mumbled a "thank you" I left the store probably looking like I was having a severe hot flush and headed straight to Twitter to let the world know of the wonderful man I had just laid my eyes on.

I was then hit with replies such as, "so why didn't you tell him?", "go and ask him out, I dare you!" "What's the worst that could happen?"

I COULD BE HUMILIATED IN MY FAVOURITE STORE AND RUN OUT CRYING WITH TEARS OF SHAME DOWN MY FACE, THAT'S WHAT.

So I continued my life without lovely HMV man but with my dignity a little more intact, all because I didn't have the balls to just say "hello, how are you?"

It's the same with 'networking', to get where I want to be in the industry I want to work in, I am going to have to introduce myself to A LOT of important people, and make a good impression. The thought of this however, absolutely terrifies me, the fear of all the awkward rejections is too much for me to even start whimpering my name at some big label boss.

My question is HOW do I get over this? Is it just a matter of me manning up and getting the guts to march over and make myself known? Will I ever be able to speak to an attractive guy in a shop without looking at my shoes the whole time?

Or am I just going to die alone because I was too scared.

Top 10 Best Things About Being Single

1. Your bed is yours and you do what you want in it. (Fart, work, eat, spill crumbs, starfish, dribble... do your WORST)

2. Granny pants? Check. Top knot? Check. Band tshirt with a million holes and stains? Check. Fucks given? None.

3. "Ooooooh, look at him! And him! And him over there! Oh my GOD look at HIM" *drools*

4. You can go out when you want, with who you want and spend ALL your money on yourself!

5. You don't have to have a forced conversation about just how boring each others days were and what you want for dinner.

6. All those horrific feelings of worry and jealousy are replaced by content and self-appreciation.

7. No having to sit and watch Call of Duty for the millionth time.

8. Watching Made In Chelsea for the millionth time.

9. You've listened to that One Direction song ten times today already? Go on, play it another five.

10. Want to travel? Dream of moving to the city? Job offer you can't refuse? There's nothing holding you back. GO YOU!

One negative of being single?

No sex cuddles on tap. 

"I'd rather be a bit squishy then spending 5 days a week at a gym"

I've been a size 12 since I was around 16, gaining and losing a few pounds here and there, but always a size 12. I've got a bit of an odd body shape, imagine getting a ball of dough and squashing it with the palm of your hand, that's me. I'm wide, I have big hips, bum and thighs, but I am flat. I don't have much of a tummy and my boobs are of average size, a nice handful.

I've tried diets over the years, I've tried getting into running - but I'm not someone to continue something they don't enjoy. I don't enjoy running, or other athletic sports for that matter, I can't even afford a gym membership. What I do enjoy is swimming and surfing, rock climbing and roller blading, adventurous sports. Not the most accessible of sports at the best of times.

I also like food, I love tasting new flavours and trying new things. This isn't to say you'll find me devouring a whole pot of ice cream in one go or binging on burgers. I know what's good and bad for me, I know what my portion sizes should be, do I indulge every now and then? Of course I do, who doesn't? My weakness is biscuits, I bloody love those things!

But still most days, I find myself looking in the mirror going, "why can't this bit be smaller?"... "why do my hips have to be so round?"... "why can't I look like her, or her?"... "how is anyone going to fall for me if my thighs are this big?"

I've not exactly been lacking in male attention over the past year or so, I've had compliments about the parts of me I hate the most. Yet I still can't knock these hatred thoughts from my head, please do not get this wrong, I'm not throwing a line into the sea awaiting you all to compliment the shit out of me. It's just been one of those days where I can't look at any part of me and think it looks good. It also doesn't help that I have a magazine next to me with Alexa stick thin Chung on the front cover.

But why? Why do I and so many others do this too ourselves? I tell myself frequently that I should shed the flabby bits, but then I'm split in thinking I'm going to be bloody miserable while I do it and will I really be happy by the end of it?

I have friends who are squishy and I have friends who are tiny, all of whom seem happy with themselves. I guess I just need some tips in having a body boost, any ideas?

I'm now going to go open that packet of hobnobs and bloody enjoy them.

The problem with needing adventure.

I am not a patient person. If I get an idea in my head I do it, when I wanted dip dye hair two years ago I just went into the hairdressers and got it done. I fancied an undercut, so I grabbed my dad's clippers. I hated my last job, so I quit it, even though I was moving into a new flat and didn't even know if I'd make the first months rent. I get bored very quickly and I change my mind often, I've had more dream careers in the past few years than I ever thought possible.

I like adventure, I grew up by the sea amongst the fields and spent my childhood exploring and just taking in the outdoors and everything it holds. I now find comfort in going on long walks through forests, strapping my surfboard to the top of my car and heading to the ocean. I enjoy long drives, (even though I have panic attacks if I get the slightest bit lost), but I like knowing I have 3 hours of road and the best mixtape to soundtrack my journey, wherever I may be going.

But right now? Right now I'm stuck. My car needs fixing (okay it's my fault for not yet booking it in to the garage), so I can't travel anywhere. Even if it was working a-okay I have no money for petrol, my last pay packet has just about covered me in terms of rent, bills and food. I haven't seen anyone new in far too long, don't get me wrong, I love the guys I work with and I bloody love my flatmates but my life has been a circle of seeing them all, just on varying days. I haven't had an adventure, as such in a long, long time. Rewind a few months ago and I was here there and everywhere, my own personal tour of the UK. Cardiff, Bath, Cheltenham, London, Brighton... and I was happy, I was so happy.

I haven't been to see my friends in Cardiff since November, I've had a few quick visits to london to catch up with people and a brief visit to Essex for a night out. But they are at least a month ago now. OKAY that doesn't sound that long ago, but like I said, I'm inpatient. When I feel like this, when I feel alone, all I want to do is get in my car and drive, drive anywhere, just out of this dead end city, see the people I adore and forget about all the worries I have. Don't we all just need to escape sometimes?

The thing is, I don't know when I will be able to escape. I don't know when I'll stop feeling like this. I have no motivation to apply for any jobs because I get rejected from so many and I feel out of the loop in regards to music, when in reality I'm probably a hell of a lot more in the loop than a lot of people I know. I'm trying to drag myself out of this hell of self-pity and sort myself out, but it feels like the little devil of life keeps pulling me back. Throwing more things my way so I don't leave.

I just want to see some different faces. I just want adventure.

Why this week sucks...

I'm not usually one to be overly pessimistic about everything, but sometimes it's like there is someone throwing snowballs of shit at your life because they think it is really funny, when actually it's the absolute worst. Surely there is some good news coming my way real soon? Right?

Reasons why this week sucks: 

- Two bands split up. I Dream In Colour and Harbour. Most of you reading this will go who? They were small, they were unsigned, but they had something. I've been pushing and supporting these guys for months and months and what they had was exciting. I understand the reasons behind both the splits, but it's a shame and it sucks.

- As many of you will know, Paramore decided to put on a intimate show at The Garage in London. Tickets went on sale this morning, they sold out in two minutes. I didn't get any. Ballsacks.

- Due to the lack of customers and no holiday to be covered, my pay packet this month is minuscule and I am very fed up of being poor.

- Feeling so deflated after so many job rejections you just can't even see the point anymore.

- Exceedingly good looking guys keep adding/following me on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram - they are all in relationships. What a tease.

- I have the whole weekend off work for the first time in forever but no real funds to go anywhere or do anything.

- The Cornish Council are threatening the safety of beach goers at Polzeath. I've surfed there for years and may now have to relocate because of their idiocy, read more why here

Reasons why this week doesn't suck:

- I did get a ticket to see Ben Howard in June, which is obviously when he'll realise we're meant to be together and all this fuss over being single will be no more.

Oh Ben....

The Dating Game

*

First things first, I've never been on a date. Ever.

A date to me is meeting someone new, having a brief conversation and then getting the surprise of "Hey, would you like to go for dinner/some drinks one time?" to get to know each other a bit better. I can safely say this has never happened to me, I'm not really sure if it's a good or a bad thing. I'd quite like to be wined and dined, it just seems to be less of a frequent thing these days.

Thing is, I just don't have time to go out places and meet new people at the moment. My life is spent walking to and from work and sat behind my laptop in the evenings working on some sort of career. I can rarely afford to go out and this on going winter isn't exactly making me want to leave the comforts of my duvet.

Yesterday, St Patricks Day, I get a phonecall from my flatmate saying us three girls were going to go have a few drinks and let our hair down a bit; I slip on a dress and some boots and add some oomph into my hair before heading out with £20 and a smile on my face. After one or three cocktails we were a bit giggly and having a laugh at my singledom and how much of a bitch that mother nature is, how I'd never been taken for dinner and it'd been too long since I'd had any form of attention.

Forward on to a horribly cheesy bar, downing shots so we could endure the karaoke that was killing our ear drums, I wait inside while they smoke and suddenly I'm approached by a scouser in an addidas combo, (may I add with the TINIEST hands). I kept my answers short and sweet, he asked if I only like guys who work in music, told me I should take a chance on someone else, because it might be worth the risk if they can make me happy. I came up with some bullshit on not being a girl to take risks or go on dates and made a swift exit. Thank god I'm not Pinnochio!

The last bar of the evening held more promise, live music, a DJ and all the rum we wanted. With a quick gaze around, both mine and my flatmates eyes widen at some of the facially gifted men we spot. The next thing I know she's squeezing me into a tiny sofa next to a group of guys, amazingly we all start chatting and have a bit of a laugh (while I stare adoringly at their faces), before they say their goodbyes and tell us to come back next week to see their band play.

Eventually we leave and happily skip back to our flat, with me feeling slightly uplifted over the fact I had managed to converse with the opposite sex and not scare any off. That's until I find one of them on the book of faces and discover he has a girlfriend, his friend who was of equal attraction..... two years younger than me.

Le sigh....

So I pulled my duvet over my face and went off to dream about other lovely things where men have no hidden catches and hands are of normal sizes.


*Potentially the best date idea ever.