It's that time of year again, amongst the Christmas rush, parties and wrapping the presents you hope your family will like, we all take time to reflect on the months gone by. I often get quite sentimental toward the end of each year and I really take a step back so that I don't forget all the things I've achieved over the twelve months.
Now, I'm not writing this to get your sympathy, for the "I'm sorry to hear that"'s or the reassuring pat on the back. But, without doubt, 2014 has been one of, if not THE worst year of my life. Here's why.
It didn't start all too well. In February I went in for a routine operation, to simply clean and fix the wound left from previous surgery. When I came to however, I was told they had discovered an abcess the size of a grapefruit inside me and had I not come into hospital that day and it had ruptured at home, I would be dead. I was in hospital for four days and then spent seven months having daily nurse visits to treat and dress the open wound. To which I am infact still healing from now. Yes, it could be worse, I could have in fact died and I am ever so thankful that I am alive, and to the medical team who treated me. But those seven months were hell.
A month after my surgery I was fired from my retail job (as much as they gave a number of excuses, it was actually because I was sick). A week later I was let go from a paid writing role at a music website. I lost all form of income and have had to rely on benefits ever since. A fact I'm not exactly proud of.
I attempted love, twice actually. But it never even got to that point, not even close. Amidst a mess of fear and games, my favourite being 'the disappearing act', I was left feeling low and like I wasn't good enough. Something no person should feel because of another's actions, but alas it happened. We move on, we learn but we always remain a little bruised. For the love of God, we all need to stop being afraid of our feelings and learn to talk.
The biggest bug of them all, the devil in my brain and the destroyer of souls has been my career. Obviously for health reasons I had to put a lot on hold for a while, but if it's one thing I've learnt about the music industry, it waits for no (wo)man and there's always someone round the corner who can take your dream.
I've been on Job Seekers for four months now, with a recent transition onto the New Enterprise Allowance. I enter that hell hole every week and prove to them how many industry jobs I've applied for and explain how I refuse to settle for a job at a supermarket, while I watch a person next to me receive their benefits despite not making a single effort to job search. I have just over £100 to live off for two weeks and I spend every single dime on travelling for my work, to and fro London covering shows and interviewing bands for each of the websites that can't pay me. I work my absolute arse off to establish a name for myself and thankfully it has been paying off, not financially, but certainly in terms of respect.
Please, do not find me ungrateful for the experiences. In terms of what I've been given the opportunity to do, it couldn't have been a better year. I covered some of the UKs best music festivals, attended intimate, one-off performances and got to meet and interview my musical heroes. All things I never thought I would have achieved a few years ago and I'm incredibly proud of a lot of the work I have done.
But my god the loneliness, the long hours and the fact I cannot financially support myself has left my confidence in tatters. With each job rejection email I try and smile, carry on and hope for the next one, which never comes. I am constantly left feeling unworthy and as if I am not good enough, which has brought me so close to giving up. I can't though, I'm not good at anything else. I've perfected the brave face, continued on with my head held high because deep down I know something will happen eventually, but it truly is the toughest period of my life I've ever had to tackle.
And if there's one sentence, which I've heard countless times this year and although is said lightheartedly it still does my head in - "It could be worse". Yes, I agree, it could be so much worse. I am alive and I have support from my parents and a home to live in and I am thankful for that. So thankful. But honestly, no four words could make me feel worse, as if I am not allowed to feel glum. Let me drown in my own sorrow goddammit.
I don't wish for this to be all misery, though. I refuse to end this on a gloomy note, so I will say this:
Despite everything, despite the crushing confidence and emotional roller coasters I've found myself on, this year has also been the year I've met some of the most incredible people. I've gained a huge number of friends this year and gotten closer to a select few, who are the real reason I've kept smiling through everything. If it wasn't for the people that allowed me to just come and sit with a cup of tea in hand, for those who have complimented my work or even just passed on messages of well being, it's thanks to you that I've continued to push on. So I thank you, all of you that have at some point this year been involved in my life, you've no idea how much you've truly helped me and I will be eternally grateful.
Here's to 2015.
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