You're nobody 'til somebody loves you

Ever since the demise of my last relationship I always knew I was going to struggle to trust someone again. At least, trust them enough to actually consider fully committing to a relationship. What I didn't expect, was to end up being given an eye-opener into just how little you can trust people, or rather, men.

My love life hasn't exactly been something to get excited about recently, it's been months since I even kissed someone and living back with your parents, as I'm sure many of you will know, makes romance a pretty difficult subject.

This isn't to say I've completely alienated all men from my life, I keep in contact, I chat, I flirt a little. Harmless, most of it and nothing that is really expected to be taken any further. However something that seems to be a reoccurring issue, is that I am then discovering that while they are telling me they wouldn't mind cuddling up to me, taking me to dinner or something more, at the end of the day they are in fact, crawling into bed with their girlfriends.

It's not that this has happened once either, I'm nearly able to move onto my second hand to count how many have been doing this.

Luckily I've learnt not to wear my heart on my sleeve, and keep people at arm's length, so emotionally it hasn't effected me. But it has left me with the question - how am I ever meant to trust a guy again if all I am experiencing is them flirting with other girls when they're in relationships?

I don't want to be this ice queen forever, I'd like to find someone I am compatible with. But, quite frankly this experience is only making me want to close myself off further, because once you open up you become vulnerable and it would appear that, that's when people start taking you for granted.

And remember, you will always get found out, always.

Working for free, is it worth it?

There's a lot of controversy surrounding internships right now, they appear to be the only way in hell to actually try and gain some experience in your desired field, and the slight glimmer of hope for a job at the end of it has got many typing as fast as their little fingers will go, sending application forms off left right and center.

Will they ever hear anything back? Probably not.

I'm at a weird stage in my life, not one I'm particularly proud of, not one I wish to be in. But I'm here out of lack of options. I'm 22, single, unemployed and living with my parents. Why? Because I thought it'd be a super ace idea to work in the music industry.

I've wanted to work in music since I was young and after discovering I'm absolutely shite at singing/playing an instrument I realised working behind the scenes was a much better option. I graduated in 2012 with a 2:1 degree in Television and Broadcasting but music is where my heart lies and where it will lie for a long time.

I produce and present my own radio show. Unpaid. I am on the editorial team for a music website and donate my words to other websites on occasion, all unpaid.

I've also just finished a month-long internship at a fantastic music website in the hipster village of Shoreditch. Unpaid. Okay slight lie, they DID pay my travel fares from zones 1-4. I cannot fault the people I worked with, the work I got to do or my time spent there, because it really was an insightful and enjoyable experience. But underneath all the " OH MY GOD That's sooooo cool!" remarks I got, I was living off leftovers for dinner and sleeping on my mates floor whilst I sipped water at gigs because I couldn't afford a pint. But hey, it looks great on my CV right?

And here I am, back at my desk in my bedroom staring blankly at job websites hoping to god something jumps out, or I receive an email saying "We'd LOVE to have you work with us, here have ALL the money we have because you're just so great." And when you have huge music companies stating you MUST have a Grade A in Maths GCSE as well as 5 years experience and a pet giraffe just to even qualify for this 3-month unpaid tea slave job, how am I exactly meant to feel inspired to apply?

The internship I did happened by chance, after a quick meeting one weekend and I was very lucky that happened. But now, now I don't even know where to begin looking for work. The reality, is that I'm going to have to get a Christmas Temp job in a store somewhere, to save money so I can actually afford to do another unpaid internship.

I know I am just one of thousands in a similar situation, but it's hardly surprising to find that so many young people are depressed due to the lack of faith and goodwill within the creative industries. I just feel like I'm in a vicious whirlpool of unpaid work and there is absolutely no shining light as to when I'll get paid to work in an industry I love.

If anything, I'm really good at making tea now.

Go on, I dare you

For those that know me, I can be quite an outgoing and confident person. As long as I feel comfortable around a person I'm pretty much an open book. Yet when it comes to striking up a conversation with a complete stranger I may as well be invisible, because I can barely look them in the eye, let alone talk without stumbling on my words. Working in retail helped me out a little, but still, simply going up to someone to tell them the latest offer would be a difficult task for me.

It's because of this awkward shyness that I struggle to network amongst people, even if it IS important to my career and don't even get me started on trying to say hello to aesthetically pleasing male specimens.

Here's an example; not long ago I went into my local HMV to purchase something for Fathers Day. As I made my way to the till, I was greeted by a fuzzy faced gentleman with glorious arms and an even nicer personality. As I mumbled a "thank you" I left the store probably looking like I was having a severe hot flush and headed straight to Twitter to let the world know of the wonderful man I had just laid my eyes on.

I was then hit with replies such as, "so why didn't you tell him?", "go and ask him out, I dare you!" "What's the worst that could happen?"

I COULD BE HUMILIATED IN MY FAVOURITE STORE AND RUN OUT CRYING WITH TEARS OF SHAME DOWN MY FACE, THAT'S WHAT.

So I continued my life without lovely HMV man but with my dignity a little more intact, all because I didn't have the balls to just say "hello, how are you?"

It's the same with 'networking', to get where I want to be in the industry I want to work in, I am going to have to introduce myself to A LOT of important people, and make a good impression. The thought of this however, absolutely terrifies me, the fear of all the awkward rejections is too much for me to even start whimpering my name at some big label boss.

My question is HOW do I get over this? Is it just a matter of me manning up and getting the guts to march over and make myself known? Will I ever be able to speak to an attractive guy in a shop without looking at my shoes the whole time?

Or am I just going to die alone because I was too scared.

Top 10 Best Things About Being Single

1. Your bed is yours and you do what you want in it. (Fart, work, eat, spill crumbs, starfish, dribble... do your WORST)

2. Granny pants? Check. Top knot? Check. Band tshirt with a million holes and stains? Check. Fucks given? None.

3. "Ooooooh, look at him! And him! And him over there! Oh my GOD look at HIM" *drools*

4. You can go out when you want, with who you want and spend ALL your money on yourself!

5. You don't have to have a forced conversation about just how boring each others days were and what you want for dinner.

6. All those horrific feelings of worry and jealousy are replaced by content and self-appreciation.

7. No having to sit and watch Call of Duty for the millionth time.

8. Watching Made In Chelsea for the millionth time.

9. You've listened to that One Direction song ten times today already? Go on, play it another five.

10. Want to travel? Dream of moving to the city? Job offer you can't refuse? There's nothing holding you back. GO YOU!

One negative of being single?

No sex cuddles on tap. 

"I'd rather be a bit squishy then spending 5 days a week at a gym"

I've been a size 12 since I was around 16, gaining and losing a few pounds here and there, but always a size 12. I've got a bit of an odd body shape, imagine getting a ball of dough and squashing it with the palm of your hand, that's me. I'm wide, I have big hips, bum and thighs, but I am flat. I don't have much of a tummy and my boobs are of average size, a nice handful.

I've tried diets over the years, I've tried getting into running - but I'm not someone to continue something they don't enjoy. I don't enjoy running, or other athletic sports for that matter, I can't even afford a gym membership. What I do enjoy is swimming and surfing, rock climbing and roller blading, adventurous sports. Not the most accessible of sports at the best of times.

I also like food, I love tasting new flavours and trying new things. This isn't to say you'll find me devouring a whole pot of ice cream in one go or binging on burgers. I know what's good and bad for me, I know what my portion sizes should be, do I indulge every now and then? Of course I do, who doesn't? My weakness is biscuits, I bloody love those things!

But still most days, I find myself looking in the mirror going, "why can't this bit be smaller?"... "why do my hips have to be so round?"... "why can't I look like her, or her?"... "how is anyone going to fall for me if my thighs are this big?"

I've not exactly been lacking in male attention over the past year or so, I've had compliments about the parts of me I hate the most. Yet I still can't knock these hatred thoughts from my head, please do not get this wrong, I'm not throwing a line into the sea awaiting you all to compliment the shit out of me. It's just been one of those days where I can't look at any part of me and think it looks good. It also doesn't help that I have a magazine next to me with Alexa stick thin Chung on the front cover.

But why? Why do I and so many others do this too ourselves? I tell myself frequently that I should shed the flabby bits, but then I'm split in thinking I'm going to be bloody miserable while I do it and will I really be happy by the end of it?

I have friends who are squishy and I have friends who are tiny, all of whom seem happy with themselves. I guess I just need some tips in having a body boost, any ideas?

I'm now going to go open that packet of hobnobs and bloody enjoy them.

The problem with needing adventure.

I am not a patient person. If I get an idea in my head I do it, when I wanted dip dye hair two years ago I just went into the hairdressers and got it done. I fancied an undercut, so I grabbed my dad's clippers. I hated my last job, so I quit it, even though I was moving into a new flat and didn't even know if I'd make the first months rent. I get bored very quickly and I change my mind often, I've had more dream careers in the past few years than I ever thought possible.

I like adventure, I grew up by the sea amongst the fields and spent my childhood exploring and just taking in the outdoors and everything it holds. I now find comfort in going on long walks through forests, strapping my surfboard to the top of my car and heading to the ocean. I enjoy long drives, (even though I have panic attacks if I get the slightest bit lost), but I like knowing I have 3 hours of road and the best mixtape to soundtrack my journey, wherever I may be going.

But right now? Right now I'm stuck. My car needs fixing (okay it's my fault for not yet booking it in to the garage), so I can't travel anywhere. Even if it was working a-okay I have no money for petrol, my last pay packet has just about covered me in terms of rent, bills and food. I haven't seen anyone new in far too long, don't get me wrong, I love the guys I work with and I bloody love my flatmates but my life has been a circle of seeing them all, just on varying days. I haven't had an adventure, as such in a long, long time. Rewind a few months ago and I was here there and everywhere, my own personal tour of the UK. Cardiff, Bath, Cheltenham, London, Brighton... and I was happy, I was so happy.

I haven't been to see my friends in Cardiff since November, I've had a few quick visits to london to catch up with people and a brief visit to Essex for a night out. But they are at least a month ago now. OKAY that doesn't sound that long ago, but like I said, I'm inpatient. When I feel like this, when I feel alone, all I want to do is get in my car and drive, drive anywhere, just out of this dead end city, see the people I adore and forget about all the worries I have. Don't we all just need to escape sometimes?

The thing is, I don't know when I will be able to escape. I don't know when I'll stop feeling like this. I have no motivation to apply for any jobs because I get rejected from so many and I feel out of the loop in regards to music, when in reality I'm probably a hell of a lot more in the loop than a lot of people I know. I'm trying to drag myself out of this hell of self-pity and sort myself out, but it feels like the little devil of life keeps pulling me back. Throwing more things my way so I don't leave.

I just want to see some different faces. I just want adventure.

Why this week sucks...

I'm not usually one to be overly pessimistic about everything, but sometimes it's like there is someone throwing snowballs of shit at your life because they think it is really funny, when actually it's the absolute worst. Surely there is some good news coming my way real soon? Right?

Reasons why this week sucks: 

- Two bands split up. I Dream In Colour and Harbour. Most of you reading this will go who? They were small, they were unsigned, but they had something. I've been pushing and supporting these guys for months and months and what they had was exciting. I understand the reasons behind both the splits, but it's a shame and it sucks.

- As many of you will know, Paramore decided to put on a intimate show at The Garage in London. Tickets went on sale this morning, they sold out in two minutes. I didn't get any. Ballsacks.

- Due to the lack of customers and no holiday to be covered, my pay packet this month is minuscule and I am very fed up of being poor.

- Feeling so deflated after so many job rejections you just can't even see the point anymore.

- Exceedingly good looking guys keep adding/following me on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram - they are all in relationships. What a tease.

- I have the whole weekend off work for the first time in forever but no real funds to go anywhere or do anything.

- The Cornish Council are threatening the safety of beach goers at Polzeath. I've surfed there for years and may now have to relocate because of their idiocy, read more why here

Reasons why this week doesn't suck:

- I did get a ticket to see Ben Howard in June, which is obviously when he'll realise we're meant to be together and all this fuss over being single will be no more.

Oh Ben....

The Dating Game

*

First things first, I've never been on a date. Ever.

A date to me is meeting someone new, having a brief conversation and then getting the surprise of "Hey, would you like to go for dinner/some drinks one time?" to get to know each other a bit better. I can safely say this has never happened to me, I'm not really sure if it's a good or a bad thing. I'd quite like to be wined and dined, it just seems to be less of a frequent thing these days.

Thing is, I just don't have time to go out places and meet new people at the moment. My life is spent walking to and from work and sat behind my laptop in the evenings working on some sort of career. I can rarely afford to go out and this on going winter isn't exactly making me want to leave the comforts of my duvet.

Yesterday, St Patricks Day, I get a phonecall from my flatmate saying us three girls were going to go have a few drinks and let our hair down a bit; I slip on a dress and some boots and add some oomph into my hair before heading out with £20 and a smile on my face. After one or three cocktails we were a bit giggly and having a laugh at my singledom and how much of a bitch that mother nature is, how I'd never been taken for dinner and it'd been too long since I'd had any form of attention.

Forward on to a horribly cheesy bar, downing shots so we could endure the karaoke that was killing our ear drums, I wait inside while they smoke and suddenly I'm approached by a scouser in an addidas combo, (may I add with the TINIEST hands). I kept my answers short and sweet, he asked if I only like guys who work in music, told me I should take a chance on someone else, because it might be worth the risk if they can make me happy. I came up with some bullshit on not being a girl to take risks or go on dates and made a swift exit. Thank god I'm not Pinnochio!

The last bar of the evening held more promise, live music, a DJ and all the rum we wanted. With a quick gaze around, both mine and my flatmates eyes widen at some of the facially gifted men we spot. The next thing I know she's squeezing me into a tiny sofa next to a group of guys, amazingly we all start chatting and have a bit of a laugh (while I stare adoringly at their faces), before they say their goodbyes and tell us to come back next week to see their band play.

Eventually we leave and happily skip back to our flat, with me feeling slightly uplifted over the fact I had managed to converse with the opposite sex and not scare any off. That's until I find one of them on the book of faces and discover he has a girlfriend, his friend who was of equal attraction..... two years younger than me.

Le sigh....

So I pulled my duvet over my face and went off to dream about other lovely things where men have no hidden catches and hands are of normal sizes.


*Potentially the best date idea ever.

The wrong end of the stick.

In this modern age of communication, it's becoming increasingly difficult to not be able to contact someone, I am one of those who have completely suckered in to social media and I'm rarely seen without my phone, whether I'm texting, tweeting or replying to emails.

I'm a friendly person, or at least I like to think so. I give everyone a chance, I am a conversationalist and I like to meet new people and make new friends. I reply to almost every tweet I get, whether I know them or not and through all the various ways of communication I've met some great people. With the industry I am trying to break into, it's very important to make contacts and build professional friendships around your work. My phone is full of PR and Tour Managers numbers and I like to think I am polite and easy to speak to.

It's very likely, that if we begin a conversation, whether in person or over twitter and find we have things in common be it work or hobbies and if I feel comfortable chatting then I will hand over my digits. Because, well it's much easier to text than constantly drain my battery checking social media sites, extra bonus points if you own an iPhone as we can message for free!

What I have noticed, though, is how guys perceive texting and general communication. It tends to go one of two ways; the first - texting daily will be an occurrence over a couple weeks, maybe longer, general chit-chat about what we've been up to, life and jobs. The usual. Jokes will be passed here and there and generally, conversation flows easily, (unless you have hideous grammar skills in which case you'll make it difficult for me to want to talk to you!) Then, all of a sudden, you get nothing, zero, as if you were never talking in the first place.
From personal experience it seems that once you've started chatting to someone of the opposite sex, somewhere along the line an alarm goes off in the other persons head screaming, "OH GOD SHE THINKS I'M FLIRTING WITH HER, WHAT DO I DO? I KNOW JUST STOP TALKING."

If this is you, stop that, right now.

I am not sat attached to my phone awaiting every message you send, I'm probably texting about four other people at the same time as you, whilst having a cup of tea and replying to the days emails. I am not clinging to my knickers waiting for you to give the greenlight to pounce.

The other way things can go, is the complete opposite. Guys will think I AM keen and then have a hissy fit when I don't reply after a few hours, or if I simply forget (which I do quite a lot), some of us don't get signal at work y'know. Patience my friend, I'll get back to you eventually. Sometimes I'm just not in the mood for exercising my thumbs and fancy a quiet lie down without the bleep of my phone disturbing me every five minutes.

What I'm trying to say here, fellas, is to stop automatically thinking I fancy the pants off you if I start messaging you. This isn't to say I don't find you attractive, I might do, but I'm more interested in making new friends than making you fall in love with me.

Just stop panicking and jumping to conclusions, because you've probably got the complete wrong end of the stick. I'm just being nice, it's what I do, I like to ask people if they've had a good day, cheer someone up if they need it. I am not deciphering every message you send and neither should you be.

Maybe we should all start writing letters again, that was fun wasn't it?

"You're too fussy"

Since the demise of my last relationship, I've 'tested' different types of men. I'd had a type for so long, so surely now, in my new lease of singledom, was the time to see just what sort of fish were swimming about in the sea.

There was the blonde co-worker (I prefer dark hair), the posh boy who wore nothing but Jack Wills, the one's that smoked & the one's that were clean shaven. None of whom made it further than a bit of a fumble. The closest I got was the guy who resembled Ryan Gosling and saved lives for a living, (no seriously, he was a paramedic), sounds like a dream right? No. After a few months he started getting feelings and I ran away screaming like I did when I was three and thought a bear was running at me from the woods.... It turned out to be my godfather in a costume, but that's not the point.

That's not saying any of these particular suiters were interested in more, a few had suggested we 'make things work' but I'd always find something I disliked about them to prove why we wouldn't be good together. Scaredy cat? Me? NEVER.

After discussing each man in turn with my flatmates and listing off all the reasons why they are wrong for me, I am often greeted with the response, "you're just too fussy".

Am I? Is it wrong for me to be fussy? After having my heart shrivel up into nothing, I told myself to not open it back up to anyone unless I really thought they were worth the risk. So, obviously, with this in mind I formed a mental list of the features my ideal man would have:

Non-smoker, no dodgy accents (Welsh & West Country are acceptable), facial hair, brown hair, has a job, can drive, enjoys the countryside and the sea, enjoys music in all aspects, taller than me, a few years older and who can deal with the amount of time I spend behind my laptop working. *

Is that too fussy? I've stumbled across guys that fit a few of these desires, but fall short at others (pun possibly intended).

Am I wrong for kissing a few frogs in the hope I'll find a dashing prince some day? I don't want to settle for just any old fella who might make me happy. I want to feel that tingly feeling in my tummy when I know it's right. I just haven't had that yet.

If you fit any of the above features, please contact me, asap.


*unless you're Ben Howard then none of these apply.

London, the city of Love...

Yesterday I hopped on a train up to the capital to meet some good friends of mine and have a generally nice day out wandering around and catching up over some drinks, (a few too many possibly). Which, is actually exactly what happened and I had a fabulous day full of laughter and embarrassing myself infront of a celebrity in Liberty's. Perfect.

What I wasn't expecting, however, was a man practically jumping on me whilst walking down Oxford Street. There I was in my own little world, making my way to Topshop to meet my friend, when this man pops up infront of me and stops me dead in my tracks.

"Hello?" I ask, with confusion.

The next five minutes went a little something like this:

"Hi, I know this is really random, but I had to come up and stop you and let you know how beautiful you look... you look awesome."

"Urm, thanks?"

"Sorry, I know this is random but I had to tell you how cute you looked. Where are you from? Are you at University? What do you do in Portsmouth? I can tell by looking in your eyes right now there's so much more to you."

The above questions were filled with lots of err's and umm's whilst I awkwardly try to form a brief conversation with this stranger. Now, when writing this down, this could be the perfect movie meet-cute, a tall dark handsome stranger stops a young girl to tell her how beautiful she is. However all I felt was serious awkwardness with this man, who I am sorry to say was not attractive, in my opinion anyway. I simply told him I was flattered but I really had to dash and declined his invite of a phone number.

This is the first time something such as this has happened to me and I honestly had no idea what to do with myself or how to handle the situation. Though kudos to this man, it takes balls to approach a random girl in such a way, maybe one day he'll stop the right one and they'll live happy ever after. That or he'll receive a restraining order from someone. Let's hope it's the first eh?

The Back Story.

Once upon a time...

Dear reader,

There once was a young girl, 

Okay, let's forget the stupid starting lines. Behind every blog is a story, a reason why it came about in the first place and you, as readers will want to know that story. This is mine.

I've been in three, what I'd call, fairly serious relationships. Though looking at some people's relationships they seem exceedingly brief. The first beginning when I was 15, young love as they say. It lasted a whole 19 months before the long distance grew too much, money became a need and growing up and apart began to happen.

The second - the college years. A friend of a friend. My longest relationship to date. It was full of emotion, sometimes too much, a little immature you could say, but it worked for a while. My mother approved and we were happy for nearly two years. Then my old friend University popped up, I grew and changed as a person very quickly, he didn't. Our lives became more and more mismatched and I fell out of love just as quickly as I fell into it.

The third - the one that possibly shouldn't have been. I'm not one to regret, in fact I don't think I regret anything I've done in my life. He was the local DJ, I was a university fresher having the time of her life. We had some fun and then BOOM, that bundle of love got thrown right at us. It was up and down for the best part of 18months, too much emotion and sensitivity and a misunderstanding of how each others lives worked. We were different but wanted to be the same. I wanted to make his life better, he wanted to show me the world isn't so great. The optimist and the pessimist. It all came to a spiteful end in October 2011, strong language was used and anger filled me up in places I didn't think it could. The girl who used to wear her heart on her sleeve was now shoving it deep into a box and locking it away for as long as physically possible.

And here I am. I always thought I'd be the one jumping from relationship to relationship, never having much time to be single, I didn't want all that anyway. It's funny how you change in the space of a few months, how your opinions change and your morals? Pah, nobody wants those.

I was a solid ice queen for a year or so. It's only been recently that the silly old heart of mine has been bashing against the lock on the box trying to escape and have another chance. I just don't know if I'm ready to let it out yet.

Why?

I've been debating this little space on the internet for a while, should I really post emotions and feelings (yuck) up on the internet for all to see?

But over the past few months I have found myself rambling on about life and the drama that comes along with it, to my friends. I'm grateful to have them listening, but sometimes it's just easier to scribble/type everything you need to say down.

I don't intend for this blog to be all "OH MY GOD I'VE BEEN SINGLE SO LONG, WOE IS ME, NOBODY LOVES ME, I HATE THIS" and so on. Because quite frankly, it's only occasionally I feel this way, the rest of the time I get on with my life just like any other day.

This is just a space for me, to openly share my thoughts on the good and the bad, the high's and low's of being a single twenty-something female trying to stumble across the perfect career and attempting to fit every piece of the 'Happy Ever After' puzzle together. It may take some time.

"Lust is just a child's game and you, you were always late to bloom."